man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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