Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
