my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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