Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
