i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
