My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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