You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
