Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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