My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
