At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
