sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Randomize
