I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My bed smells like the plague
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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