Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need to sanitize my soul.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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