im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
