if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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