if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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