I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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