There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
