my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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