I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
