You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
