He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize