I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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