I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
