You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
