Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
