My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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