Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
