So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
