if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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