I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
