i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
