There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
