hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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