Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
