You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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