i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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