Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
