she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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