talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
