Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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