I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
