I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
