This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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