I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
