Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Randomize
