I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
