Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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