I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize