take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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