And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
