i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
