You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
