I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
