Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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