I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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