Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize