Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
