Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I want her autograph on my taint
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
