her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
